hAngInG AmIHaN

Cool haikus (ack. credits to follow.) 

This is an unexpected find…the author, bless his soul, in brilliant flash of genius, decided to ‘condense’ some of the greatest literary works into little bite-sized nuggets of Japanese wisdom known as haikus. 

Beowulf

Hrothgar’s hall, haunted

   Dauntless danes die, Grendel-gored

      Why not   hrelocate?

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

As grapes become wine

   so must one accept one’s fate

      Die well.  Like a grape.

St. Augustine, The Confessions

This is just to say

   I screwed around.  Forgive me.

      I enjoyed it so.

Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

Lecherous linguist

   he lays low and is laid low

      after laying Lo.

Geoffrey Chaucer, The Canterbury Tales

Pilgrims on sprying braecke –

   roadde trippe!  Whoe farted? Yiuw didde

      Noe, naught meae.  Yaes, yiuw.

***

Lovely Poems

And right after a gazillion laughs, I saw another treasure trove that brought warmth to my cold cold heart.

Lake and Maple

   - Jane Hirshfield

I want to give myself

utterly

as this maple

that bound and bound

for three days without stunting

and then in two more

dropped off every leaf;

as this lake that,

no matter what comes

to its green-blue depths

both takes and returns it.

In the still heart

that refuses nothing

the world is twice born –

two earths wheeling,

two heavens;

two egrets reaching

down into subtraction.

even the fish

for an instant doubled,

before it is gone.

I want the fish.

I want the losing it all

when it rains and I want

the returning transparence.

I want the place

by the edge-flower where

the shallow sand is deceptive,

where whatever

steps in must plunge,

and I want that plunging.

I want the ones

who come in secret to drink

only in the early darkness,

and I want the ones

who are swallowed.

I want the way

the water sees without eyes

hears without ears,

shines without will or tears

at the gentlest touch

I want the way it

accepts the old moonlight

and lets it pass,

all of it pass

without judgement or comment.

There is a lake,

Lalla Ded Sang.  No larger

than a seed of mustard,

that all things return to.

O heart, if you

will not, cannot, give me the lake,

then give me the song.

Self Portrait

   - David Whyte

It doesn’t interest me if there is a god or many gods.

I want to konw if you belong or feel abandoned.

If you know despair or can see it in others.

I want to know

if you are prepared to live in the world

with its harsh need

to change you.  If you look back

with firm eyes

saying this is where I stand.  I want to know

if you know

how to melt into that fiery heat of being

falling toward

the center of your longing.  I want to know

if you are willing

to live, day by day, with the consequence of love

and the bitter

unwanted passion of your sure defeat.

I have heard, that in that fierce embrace, even

the gods speak of God.

"God does not call the qualified.  He qualifies the called."

Thank you Ralph Marston for your words of wisdom, wherever you are. 

It’s that time again when the wheel is going up and I’m getting to see the brighter side of things.  But that’s after a couple or so days down in the dumps, feeling the bumps.. Geez, when will this all end?!  Why can’t I feel more stable towards life and all else?

I remember being asked by a friend how work was coming along.  Truth be told, I could not categorically say if I was happy or not because I often feel like I’m in limbo.  But that’s not quite correct because I do feel; it’s just that I swing to one opposite side of the pendulum to the other.

I feel like I’m stretching myself a lot right now, that I’m being made to face (and resolve) issues within myself because I’ve got to deliver the goods.  So yeah, that scores brownie points with the achiever in me.  But my evil alter-ego doesn’t let up.  And when it kicks in, man, I’m on a plateau and it takes so much energy to get things done.  Hugot talaga kung hugot sa kaluluwa.  It’s intellectual.  It’s physical.  It’s emotional.

Could it be my style of work?  I’m the type who desires to kick back after putting in lots of effort.  But no. SAdly, i’ve discovered that in the workplace one can’t just ‘cut class’ as easily.  Aminan na.  I’m infected by that disease called TAmadacious procrastinia mamayana.  And when it rears its ugly head - which is more often than I wish - there are nasty consequences.  Coz it goes right smack against certain standards I set for myself.  Now how do you reconcile that?  Man, somebody drive me to a shrink quick. 

Seems to me there’s a contradiction between wanting a minimum deliverable to happen and not exerting the right effort to get it done. 

The long and short of it is that right now, I’ve realized that a huge part of the prob is that I’m constantly second-guessing myself.  What if I’m not good enough?  And that could probably be what’s behind all the numbing lethargy.  But i realize this is all so selfish.  There are lots more people out there with bigger problems. I’m here as part of the solution, and like it or not, people will just have to deal with what I can do.  I’m driving myself insane worrying about a nonexistent demon.  It can only be real if I let it be.

So.  I will believe.  I will try.  I will be.

Should this be my furnace, then let me emerge as gold, purified.

>> Pagsubok <<

Isip mo’y litong lito
Sa mga panahong nais mong maaliw
Bakit ba bumabalakid
Ang iyong mundong ginagalawan
Ang buhay ay sadyang ganyan
Sulirani’y di mapigilan
Itanim mo lang sa ‘yong pusong
Kaya mo yan….

Chorus:
Pagkabigo’t alinlangang
Gumugulo sa isipan
Mga pagsubok lamang ‘yan
Huwag mong itigil ang laban
Huwag mong isuko….at ‘yong labanan
Huwag mong isiping ikaw lamang
Ang may madilim na kapalaran
Hindi ikaw tatalikuran
Ng ating Ama na siyang lumikha
Hindi lang ikaw ang nagdurusa
At hindi lang ikaw ang lumuluha
Pasakit mo’y may katapusan
Kaya mo ‘yan….
Chorus
Instrumental
Chorus (3x)

*by Orient Pearl

—*—

I’ll see this through.

—*—

through my eye in the sky a.k.a. office window i see the gleaming tops of the skyscrapers surrounding manila.  it is at once awesome yet humbling.  from this vantage point the thought that everything fits into a larger picture comes to mind.  though keane says that ‘everything changes and nothing stays the same’, i look down, feel the multitudes scurry about their own lives, and appreciate that life deals everyone his or her own fair hand. it might be your time down the dumps but one day you’ll fly.  this is a constancy i hold on to. and somehow, some way, we all fit into a puzzle that will only make beautiful, perfect sense when when we meet the Gamemaster.

Easing up on the gas?  Not.

Just a friend’s fun with Photoshop. 

—Image editing by my ‘bro widda fro’—

Put the pedal to the metal.  But DON’T drink and drive.

If only my face didn’t look so oily I’d say this is one of my absolute fave pictures.  But I’ll settle for ‘pic-of-the-moment’.  Dang, ang lakas ng tama. This shot tells it like it is.  Not only because I’m learning to drive (on my 4th day of lessons as I write this) but also because the above line sums up the way I feel about my life right now.  At this crazy insane moment in time I just wanna hang loose and enjoy the ride.  But there’s a nasty little voice that spoils my momentum.  One freaky day I’m just gonna cut the brakes.  Haha. Not. I’m too fr*ggin prudish for that.  Who the hell says that we can’t follow our own passions? I’m tired of being sheep.  Fated to roam wherever the crowds go, always keeping to the green and the ground.  I’m meant to feel the sky, and soar… like the wind.

Ayon sa mga kwentong-bayan, ang Amihan ay isang hanging nakapag-bibigay lakas at biyaya bagamat siya’y may natatagong lakas na nakakatakot kung maipamalas. 

And no, I’m not a fan of GMA’s Encantadia.  I was rather appalled that I had a namesake in its spunky protagonist.  Nothing personal, just being absurdly possessive here.

So here’s my resolution:  Push the pedal to the metal.  But don’t drink and drive.  I’ll take life by the balls and see where it takes me…all in due time, all with God’s graces.  Can’t the pic be any more apt?

**random thoughts**

(to) have the guts to

Tear my world asunder

   see from beyond the plain

   rise above the ashes

to see, to live, Again.

***

I’ve walked down this two-faced path many times over

   drew a thousand constellations in space-time

   played out a hundred couple iterations in the third order

   sought questions only Chronos will answer

                   in the labyrinth of my mind.

***

What the freak is wrong with this blog?! It keeps on double-spacing.

Strange thing,

            passion.

It had coursed through my veins

   the fire of unlit gasoline

                                    But

                        Now

   the tank is e m  p   t    y

            and existential questions of worth and meaning

g n a w

  where once zeal had burned

and I gnash my teeth at

Manunkind and the monster I’ve become.

Perhaps I really am like a

   butterfly

            I build               wings

Not roots.

    Flitting to a flower for its nectar

  then leaving.

And so though the road not taken

              Calls

I turn my back to the

  thousand cries of Others

and yield

to the little voice

                                                            of Self.

Who are you?

Are you a Nobody, too?

***

The last two lines are from Emily Dickinson in I’m Nobody! Who are you? (288).

Let us all respect intellectual property rights.

***

I made the above poem back in 2nd year college when I felt my creative juices running dry because the purpose seemed somehow buried in the avalanche of *shifting tendencies*, and just too many responsibilities.  Maybe twas a matter of being stretched too thin…  Anyhow, I’ve also come to realize that being the passionate/creative/artistic (?) achiever that I am, I have the capacity to take on challenges and can deliver some of my best work at crunch time.  The key is to know when to recharge.  And of course, to always work on/for something you damn believe in.

I have awakened from the most luxurious sleep.

Last night I dreamt I was in chocolate heaven. I moved in a daze between two long ivory rows of my ambrosia.  Such sinful decadence, it was enough to make one weep.    I was in rhapsody, I was in ecstasy, I was in paradise.  Oh conquest of Cortés, how do I love thee?  I delight in the airy lightness of your crepes, moistened with a dark rich sauce.  I am in rapture over the paradox of your soufflé: fluffy in the inside and slightly crisp on the outside.  I delight in your combination of fruit and fondue that give my tantalized taste buds a citrus-y respite.  I savor the hidden virility of your Bailey’s: dark, brooding, and handsome.  I revel in the heady sweetness of your cheesecake, the nutty delight of your brownies, the creamy coolness of your ice cream.  But it was your truffles that I loved the best.  I ate them sparingly, not daring to miss the nuance of every bite those dark, white, milk, and almond-flavored orbs of perfection afforded. 

It was so real I can almost taste it still.

Only one thing more and it could’ve been ooh la la Chocolat… I was missing the liquid sombre eyes of Johnny Depp.

One of these days, I shall write an Ode to Theobroma Cacao.

***

While on the subject of dreams, I’d like to say thank you to my friends Berns, Aggie, Liz, Nikki, Mei-Anne, Paula, Arthur, and Roane Lou, for being the stuff that dreams are made of. Mwah!

Whispering, whirling
   Immediate, inspiring
      Nomadic, nestling
          Does the ephemeral wind blow.

This should’ve been the first blog post.  But as the wind moves freely, so shall I. 

It’s not everyday that I feel so muddled.  Last night was a time of emotional upheaval with two major realizations, each distinct yet somehow coinciding.  First, I realized that sometimes, one just has to let things run their course.  For no matter how much you’ve given, unless someone really puts himself in your shoes and tries to see things from your perspective, he’ll find it difficult to understand where you’re coming from. How can you meet each other halfway when you aren’t on the same road to begin with?  It’s hard to see the end of a friendship, with all the wonderful possibilies - the comradeship, openess, and honesty - it could’ve brought.  And what makes it even harder is the sinking realization that maybe, it ended that easily because it wasn’t strong enough to begin with. 

I had to pass up today what might have been a defining experience in my life.  Years from now, I hope I won’t look back with regret and wonder what could’ve been… What do you do when you feel like a great opportunity is slipping away, but because there are loose ends in your life you have yet to tie up, you have to let it go?  I pride myself in my passion for something I do, particularly when I believe that what I am doing serves a worthy purpose.  Mel Gibson in the filming of The Passion of the Christ defined ‘passion’ as ‘extreme love’.  To go the lengths of this extreme love, I believe one has to be whole, with no strings attached that may impede one’s flight.  And so it is with sadness and a little fear that I choose to let go, and let God.

More than the fact that both experiences occurred in just a span of a day,  the thread that binds these two experiences is that one marked the beginning of the end, while the other, the end of what could’ve been a beginning.

***

The wind of the Sirocco is a warm, dry, tropical airmass that causes storms in the Mediterreanean, dusty and dry conditions in Africa, and cold, wet weather in Europe.  It is believed that the corroding wind of a hot Sirocco may have depressing effects (www.encyclopedia.lockergnome.com).  More than the pangs of negative feelings the previous day’s events have brought, I look back to the instance when a little Andalusian shepherd boy in Coelho’s the Alchemist discovered the tremendous power inside of him when he unleashed his own Sirocco.  May I, too, discover my force.

***