05/05/05 - unforgettable
It’s not everyday that I feel so muddled. Last night was a time of emotional upheaval with two major realizations, each distinct yet somehow coinciding. First, I realized that sometimes, one just has to let things run their course. For no matter how much you’ve given, unless someone really puts himself in your shoes and tries to see things from your perspective, he’ll find it difficult to understand where you’re coming from. How can you meet each other halfway when you aren’t on the same road to begin with? It’s hard to see the end of a friendship, with all the wonderful possibilies - the comradeship, openess, and honesty - it could’ve brought. And what makes it even harder is the sinking realization that maybe, it ended that easily because it wasn’t strong enough to begin with.
I had to pass up today what might have been a defining experience in my life. Years from now, I hope I won’t look back with regret and wonder what could’ve been… What do you do when you feel like a great opportunity is slipping away, but because there are loose ends in your life you have yet to tie up, you have to let it go? I pride myself in my passion for something I do, particularly when I believe that what I am doing serves a worthy purpose. Mel Gibson in the filming of The Passion of the Christ defined ‘passion’ as ‘extreme love’. To go the lengths of this extreme love, I believe one has to be whole, with no strings attached that may impede one’s flight. And so it is with sadness and a little fear that I choose to let go, and let God.
More than the fact that both experiences occurred in just a span of a day, the thread that binds these two experiences is that one marked the beginning of the end, while the other, the end of what could’ve been a beginning.
***
The wind of the Sirocco is a warm, dry, tropical airmass that causes storms in the Mediterreanean, dusty and dry conditions in Africa, and cold, wet weather in Europe. It is believed that the corroding wind of a hot Sirocco may have depressing effects (www.encyclopedia.lockergnome.com). More than the pangs of negative feelings the previous day’s events have brought, I look back to the instance when a little Andalusian shepherd boy in Coelho’s the Alchemist discovered the tremendous power inside of him when he unleashed his own Sirocco. May I, too, discover my force.
***
