Post CG
Wednesday, September 28th, 2005"God does not call the qualified. He qualifies the called."
Thank you Ralph Marston for your words of wisdom, wherever you are.
It’s that time again when the wheel is going up and I’m getting to see the brighter side of things. But that’s after a couple or so days down in the dumps, feeling the bumps.. Geez, when will this all end?! Why can’t I feel more stable towards life and all else?
I remember being asked by a friend how work was coming along. Truth be told, I could not categorically say if I was happy or not because I often feel like I’m in limbo. But that’s not quite correct because I do feel; it’s just that I swing to one opposite side of the pendulum to the other.
I feel like I’m stretching myself a lot right now, that I’m being made to face (and resolve) issues within myself because I’ve got to deliver the goods. So yeah, that scores brownie points with the achiever in me. But my evil alter-ego doesn’t let up. And when it kicks in, man, I’m on a plateau and it takes so much energy to get things done. Hugot talaga kung hugot sa kaluluwa. It’s intellectual. It’s physical. It’s emotional.
Could it be my style of work? I’m the type who desires to kick back after putting in lots of effort. But no. SAdly, i’ve discovered that in the workplace one can’t just ‘cut class’ as easily. Aminan na. I’m infected by that disease called TAmadacious procrastinia mamayana. And when it rears its ugly head - which is more often than I wish - there are nasty consequences. Coz it goes right smack against certain standards I set for myself. Now how do you reconcile that? Man, somebody drive me to a shrink quick.
Seems to me there’s a contradiction between wanting a minimum deliverable to happen and not exerting the right effort to get it done.
The long and short of it is that right now, I’ve realized that a huge part of the prob is that I’m constantly second-guessing myself. What if I’m not good enough? And that could probably be what’s behind all the numbing lethargy. But i realize this is all so selfish. There are lots more people out there with bigger problems. I’m here as part of the solution, and like it or not, people will just have to deal with what I can do. I’m driving myself insane worrying about a nonexistent demon. It can only be real if I let it be.
So. I will believe. I will try. I will be.
Should this be my furnace, then let me emerge as gold, purified.
